8 Tips To Break Old Patterns When Fighting In A Relationship

Fighting In A Relationship

If you’re like most women, your vision of the perfect love probably didn’t include fighting in your relationship. Or thinking about how to fight productively. In a perfect relationship, there would be no fighting!

Of course, there is no such thing as “perfect” – it’s an ideal that doesn’t exist and that isn’t attainable. 

And it’s actually a good sign if there is some fighting in a relationship. It means both partners feel comfortable expressing their needs and beliefs even if they aren’t on the same page right away. 

So, while we may not be able to avoid fights, striving for a healthy relationship is a much more attainable goal. As you know, the healthiest of relationships are steeped in positive, productive communication. 

Breaking Old Habits

When we let people into our lives we’re not guaranteed perfect results.

The only guarantee that comes with a new relationship is that it will require some work.

That work can be made more effective when we learn to navigate disagreements and fights productively. Otherwise, you may find yourself encountering the same conflicts and themes in your relationship fights.

That’s exhausting, running into the same patterns again and again, isn’t it? 

To confront the same lessons without learning from them? 

To not have the right tools to break the habit? 

Learning how to fight productively means you’ll have to confront childhood triggers and past templates of poor behavior.

With baby steps, though, you can learn how to self-soothe, clue your partner in on your needs, and resolve issues without causing more damage. It’s a beautiful thing.

Read on for eight phrases that you can use to fight more productively in your relationships. (They’re most effective when delivered in a normal speaking voice rather than a scream, but – baby steps). 

8 Phrases To Help You Break Old Patterns When Fighting In A Relationship

#1

“I need some time to process this”

When you’re amped up with emotions, adrenaline, and the desire to feel heard (or, ahem, be right), it’s not uncommon to start selectively listening.

You throw out or dismiss any portion of the other person’s dialogue that doesn’t work to your benefit.

Taking some time to put space between the moment and get a more clear, fair perspective will help you both reach a compromise. 

#2

“I’m feeling overwhelmed”

It’s not an act of defeat to admit that, sometimes, arguments just get carried away. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, whether by the context of the fight or the way it’s being handled, let your partner know.

Leading with vulnerability sounds scary, but it can be a great step toward healing faster and preventing future blowups.

#3

“I hear what you’re saying, but I’m not sure I understand”

Sometimes it’s helpful to reassert your desire to understand the person you’re locked in disagreement with.

It’s a little humbling to admit you’re not seeing their side, but it usually always pays off.

This phrase might not always diffuse a heated situation, but you will get some additional insight about their perspective. 

#4

“How can I help you understand better?” 

On the flip side, it’s more than frustrating when you just can’t seem to get through to someone (read my favorite book on that here).

Extending a question like this opens up a door to better communication.

They can share what they think you’re saying, and you can confirm whether or not that’s the case and clarify as needed. 

#5

“Stop. Please don’t speak to me like that”

When a fight moves into toxic territory, it is well within your rights to set a relationship boundary.

They are most effective when asserted in a clear, firm voice. By requesting more respect from the person you’re at odds with, you’re reaffirming that you want to keep the convo in safe territory for both parties.

It’s a great first step to a more productive ‘fight’. 

#6

“This is escalating, can we take a break?”

When you’re about to hit your limit (and your partner knows how to push your buttons), the last thing you want to do is be calm or mature about anything.

But speaking this one simple phrase can have a huge impact on the moment.

Say it firmly to request an immediate time-out and return to the room when you’re both calm.

#7

“I’d like to revisit this when I have more energy or insight”

A fight or disagreement is rarely convenient for anyone.

That doesn’t mean you don’t have options for postponing or tabling the discussion for another time.

A lack of sleep, energy, or empathy are all warning signs that you probably won’t be going out of your way to fight productively.

#8

“I know we can find a way to make this work for both of us”

Sometimes offering a simple reminder that the other person’s needs matter as much as your own is enough to break an unproductive cycle.

The confidence in an “I know…” assertion can motivate your partner to get on board your mission for mutual satisfaction.

Plus, you’re taking a step toward empathy which most disagreements need much more of. 

Changing your old patterns and habits in a relationship is hard, especially when fighting or in the heat of the moment.

With enough practice – and patience with yourself – you can reset the entire foundation of communication with your partner. 

You’ll learn a lot about yourself in the process, and you’ll both be wiser for it. Move through your relationship with gratitude and trust, in the meantime, and don’t forget to grab Female Mind Unleashed’s 6-step relationship workbook!