Toxic Friends: 5 Sanity-Saving Tips For Setting Boundaries

True Friendship Works Both Ways

A recent post discussed ten actionable steps you can take to show up as a more supportive, caring person for your friends. It’s a great guide for staying on your A-game or when you’re aiming for serious squad goals. 

But sometimes, maybe you’re the one who’s not getting what you need out of a friendship. Maybe a friend isn’t showing up for you. At least not in the ways you need them to. 

Toxic friends can show up in life with a wide range of behaviors and in a variety of ways.

Unfortunately, they’re usually lacking awareness that leaves the offender in the dark and you stumbling through serious frustration. 

If left ignored or unaddressed, toxic friends turn a BFF relationship into a ‘let’s just go our separate ways and pretend this never happened’ cringey memory.

If most other aspects of your dynamic are going well and you’re interested in saving the friendship you have, then there’s good news!

There are boundaries you can put in place to address a toxic friend’s behavior, improve communication, and preserve your sanity.

Boundaries are the ultimate act of self-care.  

They’re designed to protect you and help you advocate for your needs.

Boundaries draw a clear line indicating what kind of behavior you’ll tolerate – and what you won’t. 

It can be a little intimidating to set boundaries, especially in our close friendships. It’s an amazing confidence boost when you do, though. There’s no better feeling than standing up for your peace of mind and wellbeing.

Let’s explore five helpful tips for setting boundaries that, when effective, can totally change the way you feel about your friendship.

Each of these tips is meant as a blanket recommendation for generalized situations. Check in with your needs and follow your gut to customize them to work best for you!

5 Tips For Setting Boundaries With a Toxic Friend

1. Explain How You’re Feeling

The first step to setting a boundary is explaining what exactly it is you’re feeling or experiencing to your friend. This probably won’t be the most comfortable conversation… but for the sake of transparency, it’s an important one to have. Use your discretion when determining how deep you want to go.

If your friend is notoriously late and has wasted hours of your time holding your plans up, that’s a fairly straight forward convo. But if the issue is a little deeper, don’t feel inclined to dish to the point of vulnerability if it would hurt more than help the situation. 

Keep the focus on your friend’s specific toxic behavior; speak less about her character, personality, or overall value as a person.

2. Create a Clear Boundary

Once your friend has been made aware of a pattern of behavior that’s problematic to your vibe, set a clear boundary!

Keep it short, sweet, actionable, and fair. Don’t give in to the urge to people-please, as tempting as it may be.

Your boundary should focus on preventing her unwanted behavior from leaking into your life.

Avoid asking her to act or behave in particular ways that would put an unreasonable burden on her (like, asking her to show up fifteen minutes early to all future events). Be direct and confirm that she understands what it is you’re stating.

3. Set Achievable Expectations

When you have your main boundary in place, the next thing you’ll want to do is set expectations. Your expectations should cover both the toxic behavior of your friend and your behavior should she disrespect your boundaries.

This way, you both have a set of guidelines going ahead which can help eliminate surprises or unproductive reactions. As in the example above, expectations for your friend should be achievable and reasonable. 

Likewise, your response to her breaking the boundary should be equally as reasonable (for now, anyway). For instance, say your boundary dictates that she’s too often late and you’re no longer able to wait for her beyond your agreed-upon meeting time.

If she’s late again, she should reasonably expect that you will have already left (hopefully guilt-free) given your clear boundary. That’s a good incentive for her to take some of the accountability off your shoulders.

4. Allow for Growth Mistakes

It’s more likely than not that your friend will mess up a few times. Unless the boundary you’ve set is so necessary that one slip on her end is a major trespass, then consider her intentions.

Was she receptive and understanding of your original complaints?

A friend might take your feedback seriously but have a hard time breaking out of her toxic behavior patterns.

If you sense that she cares about your relationship and she’s committed to fumbling through a period of change, then allow whatever leniency you want to afford.

Keep an eye out, though, for excuses without the additional effort. It could be a sign she doesn’t respect you or care to put energy into the friendship in the way that you need her to.

5. Frequently Audit The Friendship

If all has gone to plan and your boundary has made a positive impact on your friendship – hooray! It’s an incredible achievement for both of you, full of mutual growth moments. The benefit? You both show up as better friends to the other.

Whether your newly-defined friendship is a success story, still on its way there, or cracking at the seams, a routine audit is a key to future growth.

Maintain the importance of having your needs met. Be on the lookout for backslides or new toxic behaviors and address them quickly.

Feel empowered to end a friendship if it’s no longer good for you.

While that can be bittersweet, and at times heartbreaking, the first woman you should always be looking out for is yourself!